Jajajaja

I start college in a week...
Mehhhhhhhhh. At least I'm only taking one class. I'm scared though. What if I fail? High school was simple because Centennial was so easy. College is gunna be different that's for sure.

I got a car...
I just need to get my license now...
And a job...

It has been a while.

I feel bad blogspot.
I've been a Tumbling fool recently.
And I didn't really realize how much I missed this website until I got on it.
Damn the computer.
I spend way to much time on it..
I really should get a life outside of it.

So school is getting closer to the end everyday. It's crazy to think that after seven(ish) more weeks, I am done with high school. The prime suffering years of my life will be over. I really hope that the saying 'High school is the best time of your life!' isn't true. If it is true, then I'm serious, just kill me now. I hated stupid High School. And I don't think I'm gunna miss it at all!
Things have been changing. Friendships have been changing. I miss the days of being young so much. Where nothing else mattered but playing Harry Potter and Star Wars at lunch time. Everyone is growing up, and I know that I am too. But I still hate it. Is that wrong? Should I embrace it with open arms? It's a hard thing for me to do. I would rather just stay in the place I am now. With the friends I have now. I don't want to turn nineteen. I don't want to have to deal with finding a job, and getting a car. I'd rather be sitting in the backseat of a car, staring out the window, watching the trees pass by.
My grandma died a week ago. It's been weird. I was so upset the first day, and now it's not really something I think about. I don't know if it's because my brain is telling me I'm not ready to handle it yet, or if I'm just rather insensitive.
Whooooo knows.

Goooooooodnight!

Friendship.

This girl is my life.
My brick wall.
My advice giver.
My writing helper.
My love.
She is my beautiful best friend.
I wouldn't be who I am today if I didn't have you to share these past ten years with. You're probably the best things that has ever happened to me. Friendships come and go, but this one is here to last. <3

Reason to fight.

I know that I will always struggle with certain issues that I have. And I know that life will never really be easy. I know that things will make me sad, and make me hurt. I know that I'll spend days just laying in bed, crying and being scared and days where I miss the old days. Miss ex-boyfriends and how comfortable I felt with them. Miss the days of partying and getting so fucked up that I would forget the world for those few hours. I know there will be days where I don't want to carry on, but I also know that I have reasons to live, reasons to never give up, and reasons to always fight.
Reason number one: My friends are the most important things in my life. With out them I wouldn't be the girl I am today. I wouldn't be able to live with out them, with out their advice and support. They hold my hand through everything and I'm so thankful for those people. Lydia and I go out to Taco Bell and talk about things that I couldn't talk about with any of my other friends. We talk about horrible relationships that we have had with boys, friends and family members. I can cry in front of her and not think a thing of it. She's been through so much and she still carries on and she's a huge reason that I am brave enough to keep trying. I know that she is a person that will be in my life till the day I die.
Dana is the kind of person that knows just when to back down or tell me to get over it. She never sugar coats anything and I need that. She's held my hand while I cried over Kelsey, and over Drew. She was with me when I felt like I should just die, and told me that I had so much more to live for. She is my drinking buddy, my shower partner, my lovely lady. And I'm so grateful for all the days that we have shared together and I can't wait for the future we have together.
Mags has been in my life as long as Lydia, and I would be so sad if she wasn't. She and I did not get along when we first met, in third grade. I'm so glad we put our differences aside and decided that we could be friends. She always knows how to cheer me up. The day Kelsey broke up with me she was there, and she walked into my room and asked if she could give me a hug, in her cute little voice. That helped me more the she understood.
Katie Fees is probably the newest friend I have and I feel like we've been friends for years. Sometimes she gets on my nerves, just like everyone else, but I still love her to death. She's so smart and beautiful. I'm glad that I got to know her through Discovery at Centennial High school. She's an amazing girl and she has a huge future ahead of her if she just gets certain things in her life figured out. And I know she will.
Reason number two: My family. They have put up with me for eighteen years and they have never stopped loving me. I'm so thankful that I had them to grow up with. I'm so thankful for my annoying brother, and over protective older sister.
Jennie is the person I can count on most in life. Even though she drives me up and wall and back down, she's always gunna be there for me. She's always gunna stick up for me even if she knows what I did was wrong. I love her so much and all I want for her is to be happy. Jennie has probably seen me at my worse and somehow she still manages to love me for who I am. Who she knows I could be. She got the worst of the breakups and got to deal with me completely breaking down. And I'm so happy that she was there to help me back up again.
My mother, who I didn't want to be with at all for a long time, has become one of my best friends. She also drives me nuts, but without her I wouldn't know how to grow up. Or what to do in situations that I had to face. I love her so much.
Reason number three: I've got a new, wonderful guy in my life, who has taken me completely by surprise. A guy who I think loves me more then any other boyfriend I've had. His eyes give it away. He looks at me the way Drew only did once in a while, and the way Kelsey never did. That look just makes me melt and feel so good and wanted. He puts up with all my crazy-ness. My crazy, drunken texting, and still seems to love me and want to be with me. He's the last person I ever thought I could be with. But I'm so happy with him. And scared. And it's wonderful.

THESE ARE MY REASONS TO NEVER GIVE UP.
MY REASONS TO FIGHT.

A little thank you note, just for you.

Every time an important chapter of my life ends I usually write about it. I get my closure that way. And maybe if I do that now it will help me move on, help me start something new and be happy about it. Even though I have someone in new my life I still miss you greatly, and maybe writing this will help.
I know that this probably didn't seem like such a big thing to you. I know that it didn't change your life like it changed mine. But the day you came into my life everything about me changed. You made me so happy, you made everything seem okay. You would pull up to my house and the problems of my day would melt away. You would hold me in your arms and I felt completely and totally safe. Your lips on mine made my heart flutter, and my cheeks get warm. I loved you so much. I loved everything about us. How we could be romantic and still be best friends.
You taught me that it was okay to feel things. You would hold me while I cried, laugh with me (or at me [: ) Your eyes would adore me and you said 'I love you.' Babe, if you didn't come into my life when you did I'm not sure how much longer I would lived. You changed everything about me and I'm so grateful for all the time we had together and I wish that we had more days. I wish that I would have made a bigger impact on your life. I wish you would have opened up to me the way I opened up to you. But it's over now, everything that we had is over. And I just wanted to thank you for the year we had together. Thank you for letting me be myself and making me feel loved. You always made me smile, made me blush, and laugh. Thank you for being my friend, my lover, my go to man, my everything.
There will always be a part of me that will miss you. A part of me that will miss the way we use to be. Miss the sound of your voice and the way your eyes looked at me. You helped me get through so much and I greatly appreciate everything you've done for me.
You inspired me. I have this great story because of you. I wanted to be someone you could be proud of, someone you could talk about. I wanted to be someone who was good enough to be with you. However, I guess I wasn't what you needed, I wasn't the person that made things okay for you.
I hope your find that person and they change you as much as you changed me. I hope that they impact your life in the greatest possible way. I know that you will find that person because you're such a great guy. And I know that you will be very happy with her. But I hope, while your finding her, I hope your think of me once in a while. I hope you miss the moments we had together and realize that I loved you with every ounce of my body. I hope you think of our conversations and my smile. I hope you miss my hugs and the way I would hide my face after a kiss. I hope you miss the things you loved about me as well as all my flaws. My indecisiveness and my silliness. I hope you miss my singing in the car and the way I would rub your back.
But it's time to let go. It's time to move on from those times and try to create new, wonderful, ones with different people. This will be the last time I every write about you. The last time I think of our memories as sad. From here on out I'm going to try to think of those days fondly, or not at all.

This was the hardest thing I've ever written,

Lydia and I.

You are my best friend.
I know that you will always be.
You are the person I go to with EVERYTHING.
The only one who has been supportive.
You're beautiful in everyway possible
I adore our moments together.
Thank you for everything.
<3

The year 2010. (it's a little late.)

The year 2010 has just flown by.
I remember last new years eve, and everything that I did. It’s so strange to think that I’m already at that time again. Looking back at the year, realizing all the things that I did, and all the things I didn’t get to do.
This has been by far one of the best years I’ve ever had. It was hard, like every year, but it was probably one of the most rewarding years I’ve ever experienced. I had certain people in my life who made everything worth while. People who helped me more then I could ever express in words. I owe you so much. You made me see that it was perfectly fine to be myself, to be my weird self. I trusted you with every fiber of my being, and I don’t think that I had ever done that before. Even though things have changed between us, I’m grateful for the things you taught me. I’ll always keep our memories close and I’ll think about how lucky we were. Everyday I spent with you was one that I’ll remember. I had so much fun with you, even when we would just sit in your car at the Walmart parking lot and talk. Thank you for everything.
My friends and family are the only reason I got through anything this year. They supported me in every way possible. They put up with my drama, my anger, my silliness and every other mood you could possibly imagine.
My family always seems to love me no matter what stupid thing I decide to do. I think that I would have just given up on me by now if I were them. But they haven’t and now I know that they never will. It just means that you guys are all stuck with me forever. HAHA.
Oh friends, friends, friends. Where would I be with out you? I defiantly met some interesting people this year. I found out that it’s really hard to be a good friend sometimes, and how selfish I really am. I’m working on that problem and I hope it’s been noticeable. I love each one of you. I love you for all the things you have told me, all the help you have given me. Some of you had to put up with me a lot more then others. Some of those ones I hardly even knew but I felt like I could tell you everything and that you wouldn’t judge me for saying those things. I felt closer to you then I felt to any of my old friends. I really could lean on you and that was probably the best thing you could have ever done for me. I respect you so much, I respect your intelligence and the way you think. You helped me too, so much more then I could ever tell you. I hope that you find everything you’re looking for one day. You deserve the best that the world can offer you.
I have kept the same group of friends since Jr. High school, and even before that. Those are the people who I can rely on. The ones who know what I’m really like behind this mask I wear. You have held my hand through the roughest times, and always stood beside me.
Probably the greatest friendship I’ve experienced is with the lovely Lydia. Seriously, I don’t understand how these people who are completely and totally wonderful just keep coming into my life. You’ve changed me in more ways then I could ever describe you. You’ve helped me out more times then I can count, and you’re always there for me. You ditched your dentist appointment to go get Taco Bell with pathetic, whiny, me. I am so lucky to have had you in my life for over ten years now. Isn’t that crazy? I remember the day we met. "HEY GIRL." I remember saying your name wrong, A-Lydia. These are memories that I will never be able to forget, memories I will never want to forget. You mean EVERYTHING to me. You better not ever leave me, ever. Remember, if we both end up alone, we’re moving in together, so we don’t become creepy cat ladies. We can just be creepy Harry Potter ladies. <3
My twin sister is my other half. We are so different from one another, but if she wasn’t a part of my life I don’t know who I would be. She’s put up with me for eighteen years and she always seems to stick up for me. I love her for who she is. I don’t ever want her to change.
Here comes 2011. Baby, let the good times roll.