"Years went by and we got older."

I wish I could see into the future.
I wish I could see one or two years later to see what's going to happen to me. To see if I'm out of my house, or if I'm happy. To see if I'm alive. That might make me feel more comfortable. I wish I could see if Drew ever comes back or if I ever move on.
I'd be scared to know though. What if I've spent those years just waiting for him to come home and he never does? What if I die alone? What if I never in love again and he gets married and has a wonderful life with out me in it? Or what if I died? What if I'm not missed by anyone? What if he doesn't even show up to say goodbye.
Maybe I'll move away and become a very successful woman and then I don't need a man. I could support myself.
Or what if I never stop doing harmful things to myself?
I ask a lot of 'what if' questions. And I know that I'll never hear the answers to them until it actually happens. I just think a lot about them.

True Love.

True Love

The truest love I’ve ever felt is being held in your arms. The way your warm skin feels pressed up against mine. They way your eyes adore every part of me. The way my clammy hands fit perfectly inside your warm ones. I have never been as happy as when I’m laying in bed with you, listening to the sound of your breathing and feeling every curve and muscle on your back.

 Every time I’m with you I know true happiness. I feel better with you, and I don’t worry about the silly things that mean nothing. I don’t care what others may think, you’re the only one that matters. You know the real me better then anyone else and you still care about me. You accept me, you want me. And I love you.

However, that didn’t last.

The weekends.

The weekends seem to bring me down.
I miss having plans on Friday nights with you.
But I don't miss waiting for your texts telling me when you were going to be free.
I don't miss the way when I'd ask you to hang out, you just wouldn't reply.
The "I don't miss..." list seems to be very short.
It's getting a little easier everyday. (But for yesterday. Yesterday was not easy at all.)
You'll always have a place in my heart. I hate you for that.
But I wouldn't change the days we shared together for the world.

And Lydia....

I'm so thankful for your friendship.
You're the only reason anything feels okay anymore.

Lost.

It's funny how quickly the happiness fades.
Sure, I have things to keep me going. Like my friends and such.
I just feel empty... Even with my friends supporting me, being there for me. (And they've all been wonderful. I'm so thankful for you guys.) It's still just hard.
I think of all the times we had together, all the memories we shared and I get lonely.
I know that I shouldn't give up and I know that I'm young. But you were my everything. My whole world. Now you're gone and I'm so lost without you. I keep expecting you to show up at my house, to tell me it was all a mistake, and I know you won't.
I can't help but think you will though.
I miss you more then anything else in the world, babe.
You will always be my love. The one who taught me it was okay to feel things, to be sad, happy, angry, annoyed, and loved.
I didn't know what love was before you. I don't think I'll ever understand why this happened the way it did. Why you left me now. You kept saying how happy you were.. You must have been lying. I miss you. I miss the way you would hold me in your arms, and I would feel completely and totally safe. I miss the sound of your heartbeat in my ear.
You are the reason I'm okay today, you're the only reason I'm living actually. My life was a mess, I was a mess. I felt so alone and then you showed me that I wasn't. You cried infront of me, told me you're stories about how scary life was and how you had to keep living to make it through those times. That night you told me the story of your friend, I was planning on doing something so stupid. And that story made me stop those thoughts. Made me realize that I would be giving in to my weakness if I did what I was planning.
I'm scared with out you.
I don't want anyone to be close to me anymore.
I don't want another love.
I hate relationships.
I hate you.
But I don't.
I'm so confused, babe. I just need you.
I'm tired of this, of feeling so empty.
You'll find someone better, I know you will. You know you will.
You'll forget about me.
And I'll be sitting here, waiting for something to happen, just like always.
I love you. Forever & Always.
Goodbye.